define

When I was in a class for professional development in illustration, with a tacit focus on the fantasy/sci-fi genre, they would often recommend to take photo reference of yourself for the pose and lighting of the characters. And I would nod and let it pass, because explaining the reason that wouldn’t work for me would make everyone feel bad and uncomfortable. But in almost any commercial illustration, if a character is very overweight, that is an essential part of their character. If they were to be the main character (which I’ve never seen) their struggle with the stigma and physical limitations would necessarily be an important part of their character story. It is never a superficial aesthetic detail, like hair color, or even height. It is definitional.

This makes it difficult for me to draw self portraits, even after fighting tooth and nail for the self acceptance I have now. I will sometimes get the comment “I love how you draw your body in a realistic way, but not a self deprecating way. You don’t shy away from how you look but you aren’t being cruel to yourself and exaggerating things.” I have to stress, I understand the sentiment behind that. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to comment thoughtfully on something I’ve made. I just wish I could draw a picture of myself and it  didn’t have to be yet another conversation about fat acceptance. I am a woman, not just a fat woman. It’s already a death by a thousand cuts to exist this way, to navigate aggressively working on your health while not falling into self-hatred or a shame spiral.  Art is usually my escape.