scrupulosity

My counselor brought up something “just to be curious about” – it’s one presentation of OCD called moral scrupulosity. It’s a fixation on determining and executing the correct moral action, to a paralyzing extreme. I told her that didn’t seem right – I am constantly failing to do as much as I should be doing. She said that is the point – just because you cannot live up to your rigorous moral standards, doesn’t mean it’s not an obsession. 

I was at tarot class a few weeks later, and someone mentioned they wanted to stop putting cards back they didn’t like. Everyone nodded and related, but I was taken aback – people do that?! The though of putting back a negative card made me feel viscerally guilty and almost frightened, like ignoring a wrong way sign on the freeway. 

I started mulling it over – “well, maybe that mindset helps you not take these pieces of cardboard so seriously, and reinforces your own agency and intuition. …but then, if the cards aren’t that serious, shouldn’t a negative card not scare you? Shouldn’t you be able to face it easily? And also if it’s triggering to you, then it must be hitting on something true, that your subconscious is telling you it’s time to address…” I blinked and looked up – the conversation had moved on completely.  For some odd reason, that thing my counselor mentioned came to mind.

I recognize this could come off as a humble brag, but it’s not an endearing fault. Watching the character Chidi in the sitcom The Good Place felt like a call out from the universe. Until the very end of the show he’s is the walking embodiment of analysis paralysis. It’s telling that his “highest self” doesn’t have a perfect ethical system all figured out. Instead, he is playful and confident and kind, and uses his intelligence when it’s needed. 

In this life, there is an ever present chess clock. The more time you spend thinking about what move to make, the less moves you get. Introspection is important but it should be in service of a life well lived – and experienced. When you are held hostage by it through guilt and anxiety, the more of your life it steals away – and the light and love you could be giving to the world.

Lately I ask myself: am I looking for the best decision based on what I can know, or am I looking for the perfect right answer? I ever get a second tattoo, I think it will be the mantra “no answers, only choices.”