high achieving

The most brutal insult I ever gave my ex, according to him, was calling him a “14 year old xbox live dickhead”. I’ll cosign the brutality allegations. The version of that I am haunted by (which thankfully he never said to my face, that I recall) is “im 14 and this is deep”. Nothing makes me as nauseous as the intrusive mental image of proudly and obliviously presenting a metaphorical 2+2 = 4, and getting pitying laughs when everyone else reveals they’ve been working on solving the area under a curve. 

There is so much ego in that, and ironically it’s a very pubescent insecurity. Especially since I’m not a scholar, there’s no shame in having a juvenile or naive take in my casual writing. In fact, it’s a bit of an insult to experts that have put years into their research to think I could write something on their level just off the jump. It’s part perfectionism and part the gifted kid curse of always needing to be the smartest in the room and a natural at every activity. 

I have this with my art as well, though I’m developing more acceptance. I used to need everything I posted to be the maximum expression of my skill. I feared that just one piece that was sloppy or amateurish would break the illusion. The hypothetical art director looking at my instagram would say, “Maybe she caught lighting in a bottle a few times, but I can see that the spark doesn’t come from within. A truly inspired artist has a certain sophistication to the way they draw or paint that is evident in even their roughest sketches. This drawing tells me she’s a fraud.” It’s neurotic and once again a fear rooted in narcissism. I used the art to feed my ego as a symbol of my ability, rather than allowing it to be an unrestrained and cathartic form of self expression.

Sometimes I think about an Olympic athlete who “only” ever gets a silver medal. To anyone on the outside that is an objectively insane achievement, but to the kind of person who has the drive to compete at that level….would they be able to appreciate it? Can you be a truly high achiever without letting the hunger that motivates you overpower your sense of success? I have this deep rooted fear of complacency that I’ve let steal my joy, because I thought I needed the fire under my butt to make me “the best that I can be”. Behind that fear is guilt and shame, and what toxic motivators those are. Recently I’ve tried to shift my priorities, and put these 4 prayers from my favorite loving-kindness meditation at the top: “May we be safe. May we be happy. May we be healthy. May we live with ease.”