I spent a lot of today playing Guild Wars 2. I wonder how many 30-40 year old gamers have a comfort MMO that they return to like a favorite whisky, when life is just a little too much. I don’t know how to process a grief that is so profound, but also tied up with so much shame. I don’t know how to be vulnerable about it even with people I’m closest to, or my counselor. There is a depth to it that has lived only in my heart for years, and now is eating me from the inside. I know there are no unique human experiences, but it’s hard for me to relate it to any other kind of loss, or communicate it in a way that someone could empathize with without judgement. A few weeks ago, my best friend from middle school jokingly said, “you know, If I saw you on the news one day being arrested as a stalker, it wouldn’t surprise me.” I say jokingly – she was laughing and smiling, but also wouldn’t budge on it when I tried to lightly push back. “I love you! :)”
Oh no, the consequences of my actions, I hear my inner voice sarcastically mocking me. Maybe just be more normal next time? The moment cold reality set in, and I could feel things unraveling, it felt like trying to reset in a video game but you haven’t saved in 10 hours. The progress I’ve made with my self esteem, coming out of my shell and finding my voice, believing for once that I was smart and interesting and funny and someone people would want to be around —- so much of that is undone if this spiritual stuff is a delusion. How can I trust anything my intuition has told me, if so much of it was wrong? It takes me back to the self concept that I’m a creep with no self awareness, awkward and uncomfortably tolerated, someone everyone wishes would just go away, even if they feel bad about feeling that way. There was a cold and nauseating dread, that life was the nightmare I always feared it was. I was living out the tragedy of someone locked in a broken mind, someone who would never escape their own house of mirrors. A dark hopelessness that started to feel dangerous was setting in.
And suddenly I was watching my mind twist and massage the unknown parts of reality to fit the old narrative – to preserve the placebo of optimism, the fairytale fantasy that the truth would be revealed, I would be vindicated, it would all work out. “Don’t worry” my mind said, “The box will stay closed. You don’t need to act on it, but believe this so we can keep going.” I realized I didn’t have a choice, as weak and stupid as it made me feel. I had to choose to believe in a reality that would keep me sane and not completely disgusted with myself, and trust that I could still keep enough of an understanding of the likely truth to not actually DO anything delusional.
I guess it’s odd to put these feelings out into the internet void, when I could not to almost anyone I know. Maybe it’s like when people call the suicide hotline – in a way it’s easier when a stranger is listening. I probably shouldn’t make that comparison when describing such dark emotions. I’m not anywhere close to that, I know because I have been before. I fear so much about how this decision could be perceived, even though I tried to do it quietly – does it look like a selfish and dramatic Hail Mary to get some kind of reaction, like the shy kid who stops saying anything just to see if anyone notices? I’m sure it would have been more convenient for the other people involved if I just left everything up and never mentioned them again. I couldn’t. I know and accept my own limitations enough now to know that nothing other than a clean break was going to make it possible to let go. And honestly, if they were as uncomfortable and wanting me to fuck off as much as I sensed they were, they may see it as a weight off their minds – like I hope it is for me one day.
Pun intended but I feel the need to leave this off on a lighter note for some reason. There is something that has been lifted – it felt like I was building towards something, though I didn’t know what, and one step out of line could make or break it. I don’t feel that anymore. I feel a freedom to just find happiness where I can without worrying about living up to this perfect life path. At least for now I can be a panda splashing in a puddle, and not feel like I’m squandering my life or ruining my destiny. That is the part of this spiritual stuff I do feel happy to leave behind.
>>robyns_ramblings 