Snitches get stitches, alright? Whoever is reading this? My pinterest jumpscared me with this and I was done before I realized. Ironically, I haven’t watched the video. I don’t know if I will, because sometimes…with certain topics….he doesn’t approach it with the level of intellectual rigor and depth that I subjectively prefer. God that sounds pretentious. It’s a choice by him, not a mistake – it provides an everyman perspective, and it’s probably more authentic to how he approaches things naturally. I had no problem watching him fumble around in Minecraft, but for some reason I cannot stop myself from backseat analyzing. I`m too invested, and when he is one brain cell rub away from real insight but actively chooses not to, another grey hair is added to my head. Unfortunately they don’t look as classy on me.
Most mornings I’ve been going to the arboretum, to set the tone of gratitude for the day. It’s a hub of crazy-making synchronicities, which is somehow both magical and frustrating. It’s at mile marker 222 first of all. But I may as well tell this one story, because it was the gnarliest porcupine spine I still have yet to get out. I tell these stories to my skeptical friend to try and stay grounded – she’s in the same ballpark philosophically as Shane from the watcher guys, so I trust her to tell me if I’m red-yarning.
The door to spirituality was cracked for me in treatment early last year – almost all substance abuse places take cues from AA without being explicitly religious. Trust in and surrendering to the universe, with the faith that is beneficent, is the admission ticket to most of the other treatments. It is the foundational philosophy. And so I said, fine ok, let’s just see.
You would not believe how fast TikTok figured out I was a mark for tarot content. And what a prime target I was, still broken, limping along with a half smashed ego and a half torn out heart. For whatever reason, “news/sign by the end of the month” kept sticking out to me, and I said “OK bet! Ok bet. You give me something by the end of this month, something IRRIFUTABLE, or it’s over. We are done here.”
It’s July 31st, I’m driving back from the arboretum that morning and I noticed a sign I hadn’t seen before – Gonzales Pass. “Nice try, universe, a literal sign, but this is Arizona – that’s a very common name. Plus, it’s not even spelled right.”
5 seconds later, I hear the lyric “yellow diamond, lemon cello glistening” – I was listening to Cozy by Beyoncé. I think out loud I said “WHAT?”. For some reason, I looked to the clock. It was a few minutes past 10am. My stomach dropped – last day of the month, normal time to post…don’t tell me danny just posted his first video in 2 months.
Of course he had. I just drove on sort of stunned. My friend (the same skeptical friend) messaged a bit later as I was still driving and asked, “hey, does Danny let you watch his videos early?” “…no, why?” “Well, you said to me last night you were just re-reminded of that Beyoncé album, and we were talking about that and Cowboy Carter – Cowboy Carter was in his video.”
“…………”
It sounds like a fake story – part of me wishes it was, it would make things so much simpler. When I got home I needed to do a neon vortex drawing, and I have never busted out something like that so fast. The perfect reference images came immediately, the composition settled itself, I was drawing single, confident lines. It took me something like 5-6 hours when normally it would take 10, particularly with needing to brainstorm and research the vibes.
I get frustrated with myself always coming back to this, but sometimes you just need to get things out. To let them go, you need to pull them out into the light of day, and let them speak their piece one last time. I don’t even know what this is trying to say, really, other than maybe – there is some metaphysical guy out there, who wants to reassure me that whatever else this may mean, the inspiration you get from this signed sealed and approved by the universe. It’s tricky to navigate but don’t let yourself doubt what is true to your soul.
There have been too many stories like this (though most were not as loaded) – it’s very important context for my motive to stick with a source of inspiration that I have mixed feelings about. Why not draw literally anything else? It’s not just strong feelings. But talking about “signs and synchronicities” is never going to sound sane. I don’t even need people to believe, I just hope they could say “damn, she was really trying to do the right thing and be Vulcan about it, but the universe would not stop rubbing it in her face. She’s already the delulu type, she didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.” I’ll risk a little vulnerability, because sometimes it’s required for true empathy.
[[ update: I watched the video. blame it on the gummy. There were gray hair moments, but it was mostly sweet. I was so happy he was the one to get hypnotized – but also could not have surprised me less. I’m pretty sure I remember him on a podcast admitting to being easily swayed. Though it is ironic for the genre, he said he actively avoids giving too strong of opinion, because it wouldn’t take many critical youtube comments for him to start questioning his own conviction. So yes – suggestable, impressionable. And “has an active imagination”, as the facilitator said.
I’m saying one gray hair nag (….a hag nag?) here and then I’ll shut up, but – he jokes at the end that if he had just done a quick google search, he’d have all the answers and wouldn’t have to do the video. Yes it’s self aware yes I know, it’s not that. It’s – if you had spent like 10 minutes reading what science currently understands the mechanism behind hypnotism to be, and how we think it works, you would have gotten so much more out of those hypnotism experiences. Oh god. I know what this is like. I’m saying the equivalent of “actually do the reading before class to get the most out of the lecture”. BUT LISTEN. I assume you were interested in that topic. This isn’t assigned homework, this is a project you chose. And you paid $400+ dollars for one, god knows about the other one. Just –give yourself a baseline understanding, that you could convey to the audience in 20s. Then we can go that layer deeper because we know what we are looking for, and what we need to test.
I did find it a little validating (and also a little coincidental) that danny had a mini version of my crash out, when his belief in hypnotism was ready to be shattered by one (1) instance of him unconsciously biting. I felt myself wanting to say to him: “when is anything in this universe 100%, silly? Everything is on the ‘scuffed’ spectrum somewhere. The hypnotist isn’t throwing a an on/off switch, you are fighting fire with fire, unconscious urge vs unconscious suggestion. That unconscious suggestion is like a knight spawned into your mind – a new unconscious warrior that is there to essentially play wack-a-mole in the unconscious realm. if one compulsion slips by, the conscious mind is not going to be agile enough to stop it. So give the guy a brake man, especially when he just spawned in!”
….I just wish this life coach ahh persona of me I could bottle like a zelda fairy. Bring her out to talk me through my spirals, that would be great. ]]
>>robyns_ramblings 