If we are running with the theory of the DnD matrix, one of the things I’m pretty sure my higher self is testing with this build is – can you think your way out of crazy? It’s ambitious, and the results are mixed so far. Also, looking at the tenuous grasp on sanity too many famous philosophers had, it kinda seems like fighting fire with fire. Overthinking is crazymaking itself.
Regardless, philosophy has been my anchor through all the storms, and I do believe it can somehow transcend even complete delusion, should it come. I need a better word than philosophy, though – that word feels…esoteric, academic. Colloquially we use it to mean Thinking Deeply about Big Questions. The mechanics of philosophy, or the process, is really just very distilled critical thinking. Logic but with the depth of wisdom, and a detached perspective. It is a truly OP problem solving strategy, but it does take practice, and using it without compassion turns it into weaponized rhetoric. The gulf between sage and debate bro is only as large as the latter’s ego.
I’m sitting here in a park in Florence, (a smallish agricultural hub city about an hour south of Phoenix). The air is clean and the weather is gorgeous. The park is on the edge of town and I can see the beautiful desert landscape – I don’t feel closed in like I do in Tempe. There’s an escape route. And yet, the perfectly generic suburban aesthetic of the park is comfortingly nostalgic. The best of both worlds. It’s just barely sunrise, and I have the whole huge place to myself. I could not think of a more ideal place to journal out big feelings than this.
My goal is to catch the first domino of self sabotage before it falls, as I start the final stages of setting up my art business. When it comes to things like this, my inner counselor will come out. We walk through the issues and potential solutions systematically, philosophically – and I thought documenting that process this time might be beneficial to someone out there.
This was prompted by something my dad said – he is a saint of a father and hates to have a negative thing to say, but he was concerned about my crash outs (he doesn’t know that word but that was the essence). From his perspective, I have a pattern where I have a ton of momentum, and a goal that I’m excited about, but one seemingly arbitrary thing will trigger me, and it’s suddenly impossible for me to re-engage. Only at gunpoint would I go back, and it would be a dogged march. His concern, of course, is how do we keep this from happening with the art business – particularly because it involves a lot of social interaction with strangers where you really have to be “on”, and a certainty of some direct rejection.
That is a critical issue to address, but if I take his version of reality at face value, I’d be leaning into the idea that this is a symptom of the bipolar, that I can`t control these random shifts in motivation and mood. It’s felt that way at times. Each time I fail, I feel more powerless and more reticent to try again – who knows when I will hit another wall. Permanently a victim of my own broken mind. My mother has this narrative about me locked in. “You are working with such severe limitations, Robyn. There’s just something really wrong with you, and I’m sorry about that.”
Counselor Robyn: Unfortunately, that narrative is taking away a lot of your agency. It’s defining you by your failures, and not in a way that gives you many good avenues to move forward. If it’s true, let’s at least reframe it in a way that could provide a placebo of positivity. But let’s not jump to assume it is. You know from your recent issue that well meaning and loving people can still misdiagnose and worsen things, or they may frame you as a hopeless case to allow them to detach emotionally from the situation. What might they be missing since they don’t have access to your direct experience?
From your dad’s perspective it’s arbitrary – but I think you see that there are trigger points. They are just small, and it’s embarrassing or impossible to explain why they are the reason everything is falling apart. Inevitably it is you making a mistake – missing a class or an assignment, feeling overwhelmed and not managing your time. Then there is a point where you need to talk to the teacher, to make it right. You have to go to them with egg on your face – and that is the moment where it becomes too much. Again from your dad’s perspective, it’s very frustrating because it’s one office visit, one phone call, but you are acting like you’re being asked to swim the Pacific Ocean. Now in his mind, maybe he rationalizes that as a bipolar mood swing, because that matches what looks like pivoting on a dime. Your mood does dive suddenly. But to me, this looks like it could be a trauma response. The silver lining to that is, it is something you can plan for, desensitize to, and recover from. It’s just not easy, to put it lightly.
Thank you, Counselor Robyn. It just can be discouraging. When I think I’m at a good place with myself, the universe reminds me of yet another wound to heal. We seem to be doing a summer school crash course pace. For some reason, I have tied this leveling up to my silly dreams coming true – surely THIS is the thing, once I fix this, then I’ll be ready. I get tired and resentful when I start to suspect the carrot on a stick is an illusion – despite being bread crumbed with coincidences I would struggle to explain even without the emotional investment. But viewing it that way is asking something external to tell me I’m enough again. It’s putting the wished for situation on a pedestal, that I must make myself worthy enough to receive. Ironically, the real way to be “ready” for it, I think, is to realize your worth is immutable.
Fate will find people as they always are – a work in progress. From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t so much give out prizes, as it brings people together who have things to teach each other. You will never feel ready, because this is not a test you can study for – it’s a group project you are meant to learn from. A good groupmate is not one who has all their ducks in a row and everything figured out (who does?) – it’s someone who is honest and comfortable with their flawed self. Someone with a soft enough ego to care less about coming across perfect, and more about seeing the person across from them I2I.
(sorry for the goofy movie reference, that song has been stuck in my head all week >.<)
>>robyns_ramblings 