I’ve been working with my counselor on allowing myself to feel anger. In another situation where the pieces were in front of me but it never clicked, I realized recently that my mother’s need to control everything extended, of course, to her only child. It makes sense why I was taught that anger is an intolerable act of aggression. Standing up for yourself? Do it in a way that caters to me and my feelings – if I get upset it’s your fault, if you get upset it’s violence against me. Bring me a cold and logical argument to justify your grievance, and I’ll tell you if your negative emotions are warranted – spoiler alert, they never were.
My counselor had me do an exercise where I imagined my anger as a character, and asked its opinion on all this. What came through to me was Harry talking to that snake in the zoo, or Elphaba having her powers go off when she is faced with an injustice. “In some way, your mother is taking your power away. She’s telling you it’s ugly and dangerous and has to be locked away because it scares her – because it makes you harder to control.” I didn’t like that, that sounded like opening the door to potentially hurting people. But, I think the message did get under my skin a little. I’ve found myself feeling anger and not feeling guilty about it, in situations where before I might have only let myself feel hurt and disappointed.
It really flared up in me this morning, when I made the mistake of watching Danny’s second channel video. I really should be mad at myself, for crossing a boundary I had set for myself, and also holding on to expectations I’ve projected on to him. Still, I need to vent about it. I know it doesn’t matter, but what is his niche of commentary other than complaining about shit that doesn’t matter. Screaming bag, innitiate—-
The irony is infuriating. “Getting paid to do nothing” Look in the fucking mirror. Danny. What the fuck are you doing but sitting with people while they eat lunch saying “damn that’s crazy” about shit that you probably didn’t even find. Say something of substance! Think! Be curious about what you are reading, maybe, enough to hazard a guess or investigate the questions you ask yourself. “Why even have him there if he’s not going to talk?” Just, just, take a guess. Imagine. Empathize. Not passively, actively put yourself in the shoes of that woman. What might the reason be? Maybe it’s safer to be in public with someone rather than alone, especially as a woman? Maybe there’s a comfort in having someone around who actually sees you – so you can feel like you actually exist – without the pressure of a social performance? I have full faith these are answers you could come to without being spoon fed.
Also, why are you even picking topics like this? What insight do you have? Are you going to make jokes about clearly desperate, lonely people? Like yeah, no shit, I know you can’t understand why someone would pay someone else to just sit next to them. I know that. And I know you don’t care enough to really try and understand, because why would you have to? Superficial, lazy, nothing content.
“If you don’t like it, don’t watch”, excuse me? Are we really going to that level of hypocrisy? — what was your critique of tessa brooks, or vlog content in general? It’s a waste, it’s a fucking waste. Taking a check for doing nothing. God have some self awareness.
—I’m done shadowboxing, I think. I feel better now. And you know, maybe it’s good that I face these things with him, that I remember the reasons I need to let go. Not that he is a terrible person, just that I don’t need to pour so much of my emotional and intellectual energy into a situation where none is given back.
>>robyns_ramblings 