flow

You know that meme where the guy is riding his bike, puts a stick into the spoke of his wheel, and then when he falls he just lays on the ground like he isn’t the one who did that to himself? This is the stick today –

I don’t really know how to describe the state I go into with a drawing like this. It’s like a more extreme flow state, a much stronger feeling of watching it happen. There’s also a level of urgency – not rushing it, the execution will be exact, but any moment I physically can spend on it I need to, until it’s done. But that’s also because when I’m not fighting with the curve of an eyelid or fussing over color harmony, its pure euphoria. 

I somehow have the ability to doubt my own internal experiences. Not to be cliche but I think it’s partially a mother wound. I would be told my crying was manipulative, performative etc. “noone actually cries for 20 minutes straight, just stop, I know you’re faking.” And my child brain would think, “oh, am I pretending? Maybe I AM trying to make her feel bad…” I have no excuse for indulging thoughts like that now except force of habit, but it comes up when I talk about making art. “You think this is some higher calling shit? Please. You are drawing a youtuber on your iPad. And anyway, what is so amazingly creative about it? It looks like some YA novel cover. Wow, congrats, definitely channeling the angels and muses with that one.”

One nice and unexpected benefit I’ve had from this blog is that I can see my mood cycles more clearly, and how my inner voice changes. Can you tell I’m a bit down in the dumps? That’s when the vicious snarky older cousin voice comes out the most. I have mixed feelings about manifesting his words in reality, but the times I have, I find bringing all of it into the light of day reveals how cringe he is being. It takes the power away, ironically. Like dragging that older cousin out of his dingy basement room and onto the porch to watch the sunrise. Suddenly he becomes a lot softer when the confrontation is no longer on his turf. Or if he doesn’t, he’s way easier to laugh at. The emo theatrics just don’t hit as hard with god’s daily masterpiece as a backdrop and the birds sweetly chirping. 

I think the first time that flow state really came up as strongly as it currently does is with the two drawings I did of Danny at collab, a few months ago. I remember feeling almost angry drawing them, which is a bit weird because Danny came out looking wistful, or distant. Maybe there’s some complex under the hood projection, my subconscious is spinning narratives only it will ever know, but it felt extremely cathartic. I would like that energy and that process to go more towards subject matter I don’t have as much angst about sharing, but the nature of it is that I don’t choose. Well, I probably choose in a less direct way, inspiration comes from the environment I am and have been in. Emotionally speaking, there are still some docs in the printer queue when it comes to danny. If I know one thing, it’s that trying to cancel a print job instead of just letting it print is the fastest way to unlock the hell that is a printer in a bad mood. I think I just gotta let the docs print. Let the ink flow. 

oh and if your curious what the flow state feels like, it’s very much like this: