gateway

YouTube recommended a video to me on the Gateway tapes – a declassified report from the 70s and 80s where the CIA was investigating consciousness, of course with the angle of achieving thought reading and mind control. Once again it seems like eastern philosophies have been running circles around us for centuries in terms of approaching truth, with things like transcendental meditation and chakras, because they were willing to accept some level of ambiguity and work with the subconscious’ native language – metaphor. But that research and the hard science aesthetics of it has trickled down into the modern version of new age spiritual concepts like manifestation and collective unconscious. I don’t even know if spiritual is the right word, I suspect the hustle bros who use and grift with it see it more like physics of energy we don’t yet understand. 

For my whole life I’ve been curious but also frightened about “what’s really going on”, because I thought the more I understood reality, the more likely I was to be doing the right thing. I’ve had this Groundhog Day sense that if I was complacent, and didn’t make some progress on that existential puzzle in this lifetime, I would be stuck. Maybe I’ve unconsciously absorbed the concept of samsara, the cycle of suffering until you achieve enlightenment. The anxiety daydream version of that I get sometimes is —  I do finally “get it”, it clicks, and then suddenly wwwhhhoooosh I wake up in a matrix like pod but there’s a group of students around looking bored and annoyed and disappointed. The teacher is writing something on a clip board. One of the more unkind students says “About time! You were holding the whole class up, we couldn’t go to lunch till you figured it out. You are just so damn stupid and self-centered it took you twice as long as anyone else.”  

These Gateway tapes, though…this was the first time I encountered something that I think is likely true in some regard, but also not for me. It’s not a part of the truth that I need right now, even though I’ve always been more comfortable with woowoo stuff that feels like science.  It isn’t a path to answering my real questions — WHY am I here, what should I be doing, what would it mean for me to live a good life? Is there some greater purpose I’m meant to play a role in? When I think about what a “good ending” would look like for me, if I make it to 70 or 80, I would like to be the equivalent of the wise woman/grandmother of the village. The kind of person people turn to for wisdom but also love and understanding. The kind of person many people would grieve deeply on her passing because she was the heart of the community. Though I can never have children of my own, perhaps I could fill a maternal role in people’s lives, if only in small ways. When I think about the theme song that would play as the credits roll – the refrain that sums up my life – it would 100% be some sappy cheesy poignant kids move shit. It feels like this energy/consciousness stuff ironically takes me out of life – the substance, the story of my life – more than it wakes me up to it. 

Maybe the tapes are giving me clarity, in a different way. It’s another moment where I realize I am a true “artsy fart” like my mom used to call me, not just in hobby but in spirit. A hopeless romantic, a childish optimist. If it’s not happy, it’s not the end. This can be a gateway to acceptance, to release the shame I have around being intuitive, and believing in positive forces that I can’t rationally explain and may very well be delusion. What matters is that I am a good person, that I am a source of joy and love to the fullest extent I can be. There are people who will see that focus as a sign of lesser intelligence and naïveté, but that’s ok. I can accept that my authentic self will be judged and misunderstood, because any version will be. If the Meat Canyon cynical type of guy thinks he’s so much smarter and rational and more mature than me, and I’m some bimbo white woman who views the world as her personal fantasy, then so be it! 

…who hurt you, Robyn? You doin’ ok bud? 

Anyway. I think this is also surfacing because the facilitator at Tarot class asked if I wanted to do paid readings at their psychic fair. Taking people’s money for a reading feels like being more committally witchy than I thought I was ready for.  It’s probably not that deep. Am I really team tarot, and not just a curious guest? I think my friend Laura would say that ship has long sailed.

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I have a post coming up where I’m venting all my Danny thoughts before my trip. My theory right now is it’s better to get all the un-chillness out now, because holding back is just going to make the anticipation worse. This is your moment! Neurodivergent dumping time officially allocated! Maybe you can get bored of his stuff before you go, and then be so chill at the show. (Ha.)

I caved and made a post on his subreddit with some of the art I was proudest of. I hate how much I flip flop. My cope was the pieces I picked were very centered around his characters or his YouTube persona, and not so much just about him. And, while I stand by my decision to take everything down, that choice was made in a very emotional state, and I probably don’t need to stick to exactly what I perceived in that moment. It’s vibes based, to be honest. I used to  think that was the wrong way to approach it. Over the last 6 months – a year I’ve become aware of how atypically rigid my moral thinking actually is, and I’ve had to learn that sometimes, obsessing about doing the exact right thing gets in the way of having a human perspective. The human perspective here being I desperately wanted to share what I put my heart and soul into, Danny has never expressed any discomfort (only the opposite) , and most importantly —- it could not be less deep. It’s literally some fan art, you’ve made it pretty easy to avoid and it was all created with the intention of kindness and respect. So just…chill! Chill girl. No one really cares. (non-derogatory)