Over the years, through my time with various counselors, I’ve dabbled with DBT – Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Dialectical means to hold two contradictory ideas as true at the same time, and lean into the tension. To me, there is a hair’s breadth of difference between dialectics and hypocrisy. That distinction evaporates when I’m triggered. I’ve come to realize that people with more well adjusted brains have an intuitive understanding of what rules apply to which situations, and thus don’t crave the security of one overarching and immutable truth that can guide every decision. Javert, my neurodivergent king (The main antagonist in Les Mis). I hate that I am the type of person who can understand feeling the call of the void when confronted with irreconcilable moral ambiguity and relativity.
I’m struggling with this dialectic thinking when it comes to my social isolation. The advice single or lonely people often get is – just work on yourself, be complete with your own company! Let a relationship be the icing on the cake. To me, that is asinine advice to give a member of a species that is hypersocial. I’ve tried to take it, though, despite how frustrating and condescending it feels. I have become very comfortable going anywhere and doing anything by myself, to the point where Laura has had to sternly tell me it is actually a very bad idea to drive 4 full days cross country alone. I keep going out, showing up with newfound love and self respect, and old wounds reopen again and again and again when I get the same uncomfortable looks, the same polite disinterest. But surely, when I have enough compassion and acceptance to embrace the discomfort instead of trying to escape it, then I will be worthy of my soulmate. When I’m content to die alone, at peace with the knowledge that the only love I am guaranteed to receive is what I give myself, then I’ll be healed enough to deserve him.
My friends made me watch Meet The Robinsons some months ago. The setup of the movie is that the main character, an orphan and science nerd, has been unable to find a family willing to take him. We find out he has been through hundreds of rejections. I said to my friend, “At what point is it ok for this kid to be bitter, and just stop trying for his own mental health? At what point is it logical for him to assume that he is meant to be alone, and stop wasting his time, his life?”
“I guess it depends how bad he wants it.”
To be fair to myself, when I talk about being lonely, it’s an exaggeration to say I’m ostracized. My appearance does put a lot of people off, but if we get talking I’m friendly and disarming enough that we can often have a nice conversation. The pain point is the inability to transition out of acquaintanceship. I described it to my counselor as like being a background NPC in a video game. People don’t usually hate me, in fact they sometimes find my dialogue charming or funny . But I am just a part of the environment. I’m not a character who could join their party. I feel pretty helpless to the situation, because I feel like I’m doing all that I can to put myself out there, and be friendly and engaged, but not in an annoying way, but still in a confident way….I just keep waiting, keep trying. Hoping people will start to see me as a person, not just a pleasant exchange.
I finally got around to watching KPOP demon hunters with Laura. I may need to do a full post about it, but that personified voice of shame as the devil really hit hard. I have it very literally in my own life. It feels like a radio I can only ever drown out. I can never turn it off, or switch stations.
“You ball in some bad ass Nike’s or Jordan’s, and you dress cool, and you ain’t got a girl? Homie, it’s a compliment to you. That means these bitches can’t step up to your level.” ///// “No, I think it means that everything is right, except your personality. Look, if you have all of these things that make you right, then it’s a lot easier to narrow down the thing that’s wrong—” “–because there’s no other thing it could be.” “It’s the very essence of you.”
“You gotta stay optimistic, all that negative energy will put people off. Don’t worry! Just keep moving forward. Fake it till you make it.”
“You can actually lose weight, you know. Don’t be a victim. Try harder. Do better. Or just give up, if you want. It’s your life. I don’t know what to tell you, I’m just trying to help. Only 10% of people keep it off? Well, wanting to keep your boyfriend will be pretty good motivation, right? You wouldn’t want to trap him in a relationship and then get ugly again. Couldn’t the threat of being abandoned and alone be a motivating sword of damocles?”
…this all seems self indulgently emo, even for me. With the hysterectomy, I can never tell when I’m in PMS. I still have my ovaries so I still have the cycles. Add in the bipolar, add in the trauma triggers…it’s hard to know what hurt and anger is based in injustice and what is neurochemical dysfunction. When am I being unreasonable? I’m so afraid of being too much. Who wants to be friends with a crazy, whiny bitch? Keep it all inside. But also, be vulnerable! That’s how you form real connections. It’s just a risk you have to take. Don’t worry, what’s one more rejection? Throw your heart in the woodchipper one more time, maybe it’ll be different. Is the pain of loneliness any better? If you want change, you have no choice. Trust.
……………………………..
There is one silver lining, or cope, depending on your level of cynicism. Living in a state of constant, passive rejection, does make it a lot easier to live authentically. You have nothing to lose. If you have the social intelligence and/or looks to be generally liked, it is a conscious sacrifice to go against the grain. In a way, there’s more pain when you choose to take the mask off, and you find that many people’s affection was conditional on your conformity. I have never been able to contort myself into something desirable, only something ignorable, so I’ve never had to live a double life in that way.
I imagine for someone with a big following, who got there in part from developing a likeable persona, it might feel impossible to ever let that go. It’s the difference between having the courage to wear a clown costume to your local grocery store, and wearing a clown costume to walk out on stage at the eras tour. It’s such a gigantic distance to fall. The perception of authenticity is an important currency in online celebrity, but is real authenticity psychologically safe? I wince when I get a nasty look from a cashier. If thousands of people were tearing me to shreds the moment I was genuine…yeah Idk. God made me a loser for a reason, I think.
Here I am wringing my hands for the rich and famous again. I suppose it’s an unconscious, protective pivot away from a painful self reflection. It’s probably coming up because I had a chat with my counselor about going back to Chicago. When I was looking on google for anyone talking about their experience at Zanies, I saw that The Comedy Vault had a show listing for the 29th. Trigger the angst. “Fuck. It’s weird, right? It could only look weird. He hasn’t announced it, it’s a tiny show, you’re coming all the way from Phoenix again in the same month, to see him for 20, maybe 30 minutes…you can’t risk making him uncomfortable, if he saw you. Even if you could take the time to actually see Chicago, even though there is no knowing how long he’ll be at these small venues…it’s the optics.”
I always expect my counselor to mirror my concern about the over-attachment, but her focus is the self judgement. “If this was anyone else, you would remember that you can’t control how people perceive you. You can’t base your life around trying to. You know your intentions, you are not imposing anything on him. If the desire to go is from a place of enjoyment, and not a neurotic FOMO, there’s no reason for guilt or shame. People can misjudge us or our behaviors based on things completely unrelated to us, that we can’t know. What he thinks of you is not your truth. If for whatever reason he thought you were a creep, that doesn’t make you one. You spend so much mental and emotional energy trying to protect his feelings, but the person’s feelings you should be worrying about is your own. And also…how would he even know you were there?”
I went ahead and booked the air bnb. It’s a room for $50 a night, and the place has a 4.99/5 rating with over 600 reviews. It’s booked solid for the previous and future 2 months, just that perfect little window is free. I checked with my tarot across multiple days, multiple decks, it’s never been 100% positive like this. At some point I just have to ditch the overthinking. Certainty only exists within self belief. Personal truth is not innately hypocracy, it’s just holding dialectical tension. Sometimes you can make the correct decision, and it’s still correct for the other person to dislike or distrust it. Know yourself, your values. Trust.
>>robyns_ramblings 