[[the text alignment somehow got a little wonky – it’s still legible but I’m working on fixing the centering issue🙏]]
This post has a bit of a different format. I don’t know if it will be too confusing, but the few people who have read it seem to think it works. Watching KPOP demon hunters brought back memories around my self harm – the metaphor of her scars hits a little more literally for me. Below is a series of scenes, bookended by 2 quotes from the movie. The italicized parts are from youtube videos / streams, the regular text is conversations I’ve had. The dates of each are at the top of each section.
I started this with fewer scenes, just exploring the origin of my tattoo. As I was writing a separate post about Demon Hunters, in my usual analytical style, I noticed a growing sense of detachment. It mirrored the way I intellectualize my problems in therapy. Stripping the emotion from the experience was taking away a huge part of the content. This needed to be visceral. I realized there was a direct link between my tattoo and the story of my self harm, and I could weave the two narratives together in the snapshot format.
A disclaimer I will give is that this borders on oversharing. There are versions of myself that I am embarrassed by, even ashamed of. I can share this only because I’ve gotten to the point that the only thing I’m scared of interpersonally is literal threats of violence. I genuinely have nothing left to lose when it comes to people’s perception of me. With very few exceptions, I feel entirely unseen and misunderstood. I might as well write what is cathartic for me. I don’t know if posting it is objectively the right thing to do, but it feels necessary somehow. I’ve gotten a lot better at saying to myself, “if I’m wrong, I’m wrong.”
“Everything I was taught told me you were wrong, but I made a promise. So I did my best to accept you, and help you.”
“Accept me? You told me to cover up, to hide!”
“Yes! ‘Til we can fix everything. And we still can. We can cover those up and put everything right again. I’ll tell Mira and Zoey that it was all a lie, an illusion by Kima to break us apart.
“No, no more hiding! No more lies!”
“Rumi, we can still fix this.”
“Don’t you get it? This is what I am. Look at me. Why can’t you look at me? Why couldn’t you love me?”
“I do—“
“ALL OF ME.”
[1/17/24]
“I thought we were over this juvenile shit. What guy is gonna want you when you broadcast how broken and crazy you are? You think people won’t wonder about scars like that? What are you gonna say?”
“What I always say – it was oil from the popcorn machine, when I worked at Harkins. That’s why I burn, I don’t cut. This doesn’t look like self harm, anyway.”
“It’s so embarrassing. If you want pain and pity, why don’t you just go get a fucking…what do you guys call it, ‘emo’?” An emo tattoo that you’ll regret in 2 years, like a normal 30 something?”
“Mom, please…”
[2006]
I’m an emo kid
Non-conforming as can be
You’d be non-conforming too if you looked just like me
I have paint on my nails and makeup on my face
I’m almost emo enough to start shaving my legs
Cause I feel real deep when dressing in drag
I call it freedom of expression
Most just call me a f—-
Our dudes look like chicks and chicks look like dy—-
Cause emo is one step below transv——-
Stop my breathing and slit my throat
I must be emo
[2/21/2009]
“‘Dry hands’? And you showed him that? Those are obviously cuts…God you’re dumb.”
“I didn’t show him, he just saw when I was giving him that drawing I did. The cuts are in the creases, why would he think it was self harm? Do I look like an emo kid?”
“You’re not subtle, Robyn. He knows what’s going on. He’s just trying to ignore it for your sake. Do you know how much trouble he could get in?”
“He hasn’t done anything.”
“Yeah, exactly. But if you keep doing shit like this, it’s gonna be a safety thing, he’ll have to switch you out of his class. Then people will know. Well…more people will know.”
“Wait, what? Did someone say something to you?”
“It doesn’t matter. You just gotta stop being such a freak about this. Scream in a pillow. Dye your hair black. Jerk off—-“
“Guang!”
“— like a normal 16 year old. Look, a crush on a teacher isn’t that weird, but you’re making it weird. It’s really not that deep.”
[4/23/22]
“Aw dude, Pandapufkin back with some fuckin’ sick fanart! Pandapufkin, you made my…twitch? emotes, too. This is so cool. I look like a god, which is how I prefer to be depicted so thank you for this…”
[2/23/2009]
“Did you put neosprorine on before you wrapped them?”
“Yep.”
“Good. But I made you a doctor’s appointment, we need to figure out why this keeps happening. This is not normal dry hands, it might be a skin condition—“
“No, mom, really, let’s just let the lotion work for a while, I’m sure it’s fine.”
“It doesn’t hurt to check. We’re going.”
“Mom I…I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. They’re cuts.”
“…Don’t tell me you did this to yourself.”
“I just felt really bad, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to scar or anything, that’s why I cut into the creases. I cleaned the exacto knife with alcohol every time, I was really careful. I wasn’t close to any arteries, It’s just like paper cuts, people get those all the time.”
“I don’t understand…you’re not this sort of kid. This is what emotionally stunted brats do when they want to be the center of attention. You’re so much better than this…”
“I know, I’m really sorry, I won’t let it happen again.”
“I just… why? What could possibly make you act out like that?”
“I’ve been really stressed, i think, I don’t know….”
“You didn’t tell anyone at school, did you?”
“I…no, I just said it was dry hands.”
“Well thank god you had some sense there. Kids are brutal, and we don’t need your teachers thinking you’re crazy. You need good letters of recommendation, remember?”
“Yeah…”
“This isn’t you, ok? This was just a one off. Teens rebel and act irresponsibly for the sake of it, so I understand you had to get that out of your system. I forgive you. But now I need you to go back to being the mature, intelligent girl I know you are.”
“…I will. I promise.”
“At least you didn’t do something stupid and permanent, like get a tattoo. We can just forget this ever happened.”
[5/27/21]
“OK so the tattoo situation is that, I’m doing a…brand deal, for inkbox tattoos, on my YouTube channel, so I had to apply some of these tattoos. They sent me a Greg one, uh….that, and then there’s like a gnome fishing, on my arm here. And then…here’s a little bumblebee on my hand, that I think is actually really cute, so…that’s kinda cool. I think I’m kinda rockin’ with the finger one, the finger placement, I think that’s kinda cool. I don’t really know about a bumblebee, but…something cool could go there…”
[3/2/17]
“Is it long sleeved?”
“Huh? Oh, no, the anxiety will probably make me sweat already, I don’t wanna be overheating too.”
“What about your scars?”
“… I mean, people have scars—“
“Not all over their arms like that.”
“People get injured, it’s not something you have to hide, mom. It’s not like a huge tattoo sleeve or rainbow hair that they’d want me to cover up.”
“What if they ask what happened?”
“Why would they ask about forearm scars in a job interview at a grocery store? They don’t care. They just want to make sure I have a pulse, and if they’re lucky a brain cell.”
“It’s not that hard to just hide it – you want to look your best. You aren’t going to sell them on your resume. It already looks suspicious that you haven’t worked in 5 years. Here, I have a blouse that could work…”
“Mom….look, I can always just lie, right? Say I had a run in with a popcorn machine or something.”
“No. If there is one thing you can’t do, it’s lie convincingly.”
[9/18/19]
[drew] “Remember you made that video about the bee movie?”
[danny] “Yeah”
[drew] “Yeah, so here’s another movie about bees—“
[danny] “Oh cool.”
[drew] “—and you’ll really like this.”
[danny] “Did you, did you think I made that video because I like bees? In that one video I talked about bees a lot, but—“
[drew] “Was it just the one video, or…?”
[kurtis] “No, every video I watch, you’re like, where, where are the bees?”
[drew] “I just think, well Danny likes bees.”
[kurtis] “Danny loves bees.”
[2/17/24]
“I thought you’d get like a panda or something. What’s the bee for? Don’t tell me it’s a Danny thing.”
“It’s….it’s not about him, exactly.”
“Jesus..”
“Listen, I sat on the idea for 3 years, ok? It’s for a time in my life, not a person. I know you won’t believe me. Beeeelieve, heehee..”
“This is gonna be on you for ever—“
“Beeee on me?”
“Lordy. I just don’t want you to get embarrassed if you start dating again and you have to explain you got a tattoo for some dumbass twink YouTuber.”
“Oo. I think I heard some jealousy there.”
“Nah, I just care as a friend.”
“Hmmm. Well, maybe I’ll say…. It reminds me it’s ok to just ‘be’. Like bees keep busy, but they aren’t worried about leaving a legacy to justify their existence. Just doing what is natural and comfortable to them is enough. Their life is still important.”
“So you’re gonna lie?”
“It’s not really a lie if it means both, right?”
“…k.”
[5/2/21]
TTS: [[I just want to thank you b c right now you are saving my life.]]”
…
“Thank you. I would like to say, thank you. and I would like to say…
You. Are. Worth it. um… and your life, is actually very important. And uh…yeah. I hope you know that – I – think that.”
[6/1/24]
“Why’d you pick ‘believe’ for the word on my Rock Out rock?”
“You know why. I say it every session. You need to give yourself permission to believe in yourself. You are a powerful woman, Robyn. I hope you took in what everyone said about you.”
“Powerful? Huh. Kinda makes me sound like a witch or something.”
“If the ruby slipper fits.”
“Hee! Yeah…I realize being in treatment 3 days a week for 4 months shouldn’t be ‘fun’, but it’s nice being around people who appreciate what I have to say — who think I’m smart.”
“You are smart. Look back at the rock whenever you forget that.”
“See, I kinda thought it was a pun on my tattoo. You know, just beeelieve.”
“I can’t say it crossed my mind. But honestly, if your faith in yourself was half of what you have in Danny, boy…the world better watch out.”
[5/27/24]
“Comparing someone to a stuffed animal – is that not objectifying and dehumanizing? It pulls at our heartstrings because we know that this is an object that means safety. It’s almost like a life raft to that person. But it’s also very scary to be someone’s life raft…”
[12/2/24]
“Cute tat by the way. Do you have a meaning for it, or…? only if you want to say.”
“Oh, it’s…..um..well it’s for a YouTuber, actually. I know that’s kinda silly.”
“Oh cool, which one?”
“Danny Gonzalez”
“Ooooooh yeah I know him! Why a bee, though? Sorry I don’t know his stuff that well.”
“It’s actually…. he had an inkbox sponsorship back when he was streaming Minecraft, like 4 years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long, holy fuck. But this is one of the tats he demoed. He said he wasn’t so much into the bee, so I felt pretty safe that he wouldn’t get this one specifically but… yeah.”
“I mean he seems like a good egg…were you ever worried he’d get like cancelled for something crazy and then it would be weird? I mean I guess it’s a bee so you could say it’s about anything…fuck sorry if that was rude.”
“No you’re good. I did think about it for a long time. His friend Kurtis, if you know him—“
“Mhm”
“He has a lot of tattoos, right? I think it was on stream someone asked him about his gooby tattoo, and his silly tattoos in general. He said, if your tattoo is commemorating something meaningful that happened in your life, that memory is already as permanent as the tattoo. People can change, relationships end, but that doesn’t take away the beautiful moments.”
“Awww.”
“Yeah. That’s what danny’s stuff is to me. No matter what happens with him, I’ll be still using his videos to stave off the existential dread when I’m eating pea soup in the nursing home. Decoupling art from the artist, ‘n all that.”
“Makes sense, yeah. I noticed your arms too, can I ask what happened?”
“Oh yeah…it was…difficult emotions! Haha”
“Gooooootttcha gotcha, that’s rough. They look kinda hard, though, if I’m being honest.”
“Thanks! You know, I think so too.”
[5/2/21]
“‘You find it easy to empathize with a person whose experiences are different then yours.’
…..I think so. I’m trying to think, like…I always – I think what determines whether I can empathize with someone.. is just how much I know about them. I always feel like, if I could watch a movie of anyone’s life, I would end up rooting for them at the end….because I feel like the more you know about someone, that’s what makes you empathize with people more. So I would say, if your experiences are different, so long as I know them, I can empathize, I think.”
Nothing but the truth now
Nothing but the proof of what I am
The worst of what I came from, patterns I’m ashamed of
Things that even I don’t understand
I tried to fix it, I tried to fight it
My head was twisted, my heart divided
My lies all collided
I don’t know why I didn’t trust you to be on my side
Broke into a million pieces, and I can’t go back
But now I’m seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?
I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what’s underneath, I’ll find your harmony
The song we couldn’t write, this is what it sounds like
I’ve made a few posts bemoaning the state of kids’ content, especially internet wise, when it comes to making the effort to present a good message. If the kids are obsessing over Demon Hunters, I say, hell yeah! Thank god. Ironic aside — I do wonder if Christians who watched it realize how much it is an implied critique of Christianity, despite it being about fighting demons. The message, in essence, is that what destroys and separates us is not our sins, but our shame. We should not seek to cleanse ourselves to make us pure and worthy, but rather we should integrate the darker parts of ourselves and realize that our experiences, both good and bad, shape us – but don’t have to define us.
—
A little bit unrelated, but as I was finishing this…piece of writing, I don’t know what to call it- I was listening to some music from my high school days. Smell can create a sudden, vivid flashback to a moment, but music can be a bridge back to past versions of ourselves in equally intense ways. I always get chills when I hear the opening riff off the first track of the few CDs I had back then. The album I was re- listening to today is from a band that is quintessential Zillenial teenage angst – Linkin Park. I have fond memories of looking wistfully out the bus window after marching band-ing till unconscionably late at an away game. Physically and emotionally exhausted, I found a strange sense of poignant hope in the mix of the music, the dark desert landscape, and in the stars above. There’s a sad synchronicity in the name of that first track.
>>robyns_ramblings 