21

After I recorded the video below, I was taking a break in my hotel room and saw Eddy had posted. It was about AI psychosis – it was a tough watch. The timing for me was…uncomfortable, but illuminating, I think. In my video I talked about the coincidence of some numbers lining up, synchronicities, leaning into a feeling to experience the spiritual, etc. I see echoes of all of it in the AI induced delusions. The deal I’ve made with myself when it comes to spiritual matters, is that I will always slam the brakes if I get a “oh, this could be delusion” feeling, and do an assessment.

When it comes to “signs” or spiritual nudges, one rule I stick to is that, the action must always be a win/win – logic and an exterior perspective will always have veto power. I see myself here, alone in this hotel room – is that not the same as Eddy in the desert trailer? I don’t want to jump to rationalize, I want to look directly into the mirror.

The scariest part of any psychosis or paranoia, is the isolation. That is what creates those spirally feedback loops. Has my spiritual journey isolated me? …I don’t think so, I think it’s been the opposite. I am physically isolated in this moment, but I discussed this trip with all the people closest to me, and my counselor. Though Laura was rightly concerned about the means of transportation, all of them supported the adventure itself. I’m still in contact with everyone, and I have no secret agenda. In fact, I’m leaving on Wednesday exactly because I will be doing reading at a psychic faire, through a new friend I’ve made. I feel like the social life I do have, though it’s still minimal, is much healthier than it used to be. Strangers receive me much better, overall.

There’s a card in tarot called “The Moon” – in the traditional deck, the image evokes a long journey through a mountain path, lit only by moonlight. That is what a spiritual awakening is like, to me – there’s shadowy movement and eerie noises that you will never know the truth of, like you can in the broad daylight of science. What makes that journey possible? The people who guide you. That could be in the form of writing, from trusted spiritual leaders, it could be from wise friends or teachers – you need knowledgeable guides who are acting in good faith. You need to be able to trust them. That is what gives me pause about the intersection of capitalism and spiritual matters. But Large Language Models? Who in many ways act definitionally like psychopaths – expert people pleasers with no moral core? Burn it with fire!

I doubt I will ever resolve this tension and fear and guilt I have around spirituality. That may come with the territory. I’ve lived so much of my life second guessing everything I say or do, and there is an old part of me that wants to just throw this video out. What if I look crazy? I think I am realizing, though, that peace and insatiable doubt cannot coexist. Standing behind what I say here, and having an opinion, does not inherently make me crazy. If anything, it’s much better to let myself be seen, and then be receptive to feedback if loved ones are like “yeah I saw that, it sounds like you’re going a bit off the deep end.”

If what we are presenting is ourselves, it will always be a work in progress.