I feel myself slowing down a bit. Perhaps I can take a blog break? If there are any borrowers in the clearing today, they are surely cackling. “So, same time tomorrow?”
Last night, though! *Cue Frankie Valli* “Oh what a niiighhhhtt ~~” A sigh of relief. Here I am on the other side, feeling only joy and gratitude. Bubbly even. Gratifying validation of the progress I’ve made. And ironically, I got the wonderful surprise of Jordan liking my instagram post. Perhaps it’s a reward for having the confidence to make it a grid post, and the audacity to tag someone who still follows me. Usually my mind spins up the most unfounded and, as Laura correctly reminds me, narcissistic paranoias. “They all know me as this obsessive freak, they’ve all agreed to not add any fuel to this fire…” “You know I’ll tell you the harsh truth of it, even though you know it already – they don’t think of you one way or another. It’s apathy, not disdain.” I’m so proud that I’m at a point where I find some comfort in that. What a weight off, when I stop trying to control a perception that is both uncontrollable, and non-existent.
Though speaking of the fear of being perceived – I sat in the same seat as last time, front row all the way to the side. It is a compromise between closeness and discretion. Drew’s location was different. Last time I saw 99% the back of his head, as he and Eddy hovered to my side of the stage. This time he sat on the opposite side in the horseshoe of chairs- dead on to me. EEP! No thank you. But I remembered what I told myself at danny’s show – there’s no connection in his mind between your likeness and what bits of your art he may have seen. YOU will not be perceived, even if you are seen. ……..I still was careful to avoid eye contact. 🫠
When I told my dad about it on the ride back to my aunt’s house, he said, “Oh! And did he point and say, ‘There’s pandapufkin!’” I giggled. It’s hard to tell when he’s kidding. Once he finally nailed down Drew’s name, he started teasing me about the same person thing, because it gets such a rise out of me. I genuinely can’t tell if he thinks they look similar. But I do know he genuinely likes and laughs at the WATDP song.
“Danny might know my face if he is an egoist looking up art of HIS face all the time (he’s a youtuber…which is a risk factor)” I joked, “But Drew doesn’t know me from jack diddly, don’t worry.”
After actually seeing him, though, I realized – everyone looks exactly like they do in their videos, except for him. He does look like himself, but I have no idea what happens in his videos that…does not flatter him. To me at least. All I will say is: the fact that he could ever “hate the body he’s stuck in” is a tragic, inconceivable absurdity to me now. I don’t know which witch laid a curse on him that would warp every mirror he faces. Laura says my eyes must just be broken, cus she’s always been saying this. That would be an inconvenient issue given my favorite pastime.
[edit: I’ve been wringing my hands over this paragraph hours now and I almost deleted it several times, but I want to clarify instead if I can. I NEVER THOUGHT DREW WAS UGLY OR SOMETHING, OK? To me he had the skinny/nerdy look that throughout my life I’ve seen guys be bullied for. When he said he had shame about his body in the protein video, I didn’t think it was “justified”. I just could see how he might internalize society’s messaging, like I do with my weight. Seeing him in person, I was picking my jaw up off the floor like “wha- who- why- is every single person and your brain gaslighting you?? No shot you don’t realize what you look like.” It reminded me of when I went to the Firefly premiere and I saw Summer Glau in the bathroom – even if I didn’t know who she was, she just had an ~aura~, you know? Some people just look that exceptional. Am I crazy? I hate getting caught up on looks, it doesn’t matter – just the insane dissonance between remembering that quote from his video and the person I was looking at was like. ???? Society is so fucked. Like when people were body shaming Chad Chad. CHAD CHAD?? YOU ARE LEGALY REQUIRED TO POST A REAL SELFY WITH YOUR INSENSITIVE SHITHEAD COMMENT, LET US SEE WHO IS CALLING CHAD CHAD CHOPPED. ….anyway. I just felt like what I said could sound mean, or like – why are you commenting on his appearance? It was just a wtf/we live in a society moment.]
Dad has been excitedly showing me youtube videos about the Paddington musical. We listened to the released songs on our drive here. I got teary a few times. It reminded me of my last post, and the different facets of rejection I face day to day. I look at Paddington, who certainly has a spot in the top 5 of my favourite fictional characters.. Does he not suffer from all the problems I describe? He does not understand the etiquette of the world he lives in, he has very little sense of nuance in social situations. He is fucking up everything all the time. In an unthinkably cruel interpretation, he is a bumbling leech. In reality, he is the soul and beating heart of his found family. They would be shattered if he was taken away. What is his appeal, then?”
“He is kind”, my dad said. “And he expects other people to be. That’s why he has the Hard Stare.” Kind? I thought for a moment, wondering if that was exactly the right word. It’s a kindness stripped of unnecessary niceties. I agreed about the stare. “It certainly has a moral weight. Coming from someone with such pure intentions, it can shake even those with hearts 3 sizes too small.” There is something very Taoist in the way he navigates life. He knows himself deeply, which is a mirror to the universe. It mirrors an understanding of what truly matters. He also has the courage to live those reflected values.
If I were such a character in people’s lives, I needn’t aspire to more. One day I hope to find a circle of loved ones that say proudly, firmly, gratefully, “She is one of us.”
As we were driving here, I saw what looked like a cool decal on a car’s trunk corner. It turned out to be scuffed paint. It zapped the image of a Neon Vortex poster straight into my third eye. Fuck. I recognized the familiar pull when it started to come. The riptide of a fixation, the unquenchable excitement and energy. After the drive, straight to pintrest. Vaporwave. Atari game covers. I need reference for that specific 80s backlit glow in the black void. A smeary, blown out, dreamy halo, with twinkling bocca. Retrofuturism. Tron. Hair bands. It’s the loreal ass hair, oooooooh FUCK the rendering has to be perfect. Elegant, dynamic, the shape language has to scream cool cool cool. Metrosexual. Opaque sunglasses? Why does danny always do this. Let me have eyes for the expressions my GOD. “It’s a challenge, you love that sort of thing” I hear him say.
As I scan the nostalgic sci-fi art, I realize. 80s. Ned. What if Neon Vortex was a character from his childhood? That would be sick, but is it an incidental reference, or can it be part of the story…
When I hyperfixation dumped on Laura she said, “What if Ned plays Neon’s theme song at one of his shows, thinking the unexpected nostalgia trip would be a big hit, but he is met with dead silence?” Omg…..Genius! We had just watched, as part of her jerma education, a clip where jerma makes a reference to a wrestling theme song. To his horror and dismay, it means nothing to his zoomer chat. He stops the game he’s playing and starts looking up various famous wrestler themes – “There’s no way that a single person on this earth doesn’t know this song.” “…….The Home Depot theme?” “The bell is what they play at the taco bell dog’s funeral.” You could see Jerma’s hairs graying. “This thing all things devours; Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; Gnaws iron, bites steel; Grinds hard stones to meal; Slays king, ruins town, And beats high mountain down”
It’s funny, but the least surprising thing, that I feed all my struggles and insecurities into Ned’s character. Perhaps that’s really the point of him as a muse, and this blog in general. It is nothing more than a mirror to reflect upon. But I think I finally need a break from the navel gazing, even if the secrets of the universe are in there with the tummy lint.
edit: wait, what if Neon’s glasses is what INSPIRES Ned’s, and that’s why they are similar? What if its a symbol of a character trait he took to heart back in childhood. Would it be guiding, or toxic? AAAHHHHH FREE ME. I can’t do this rn I can’t doodle while driving for 6 hours.
>>robyns_ramblings 