I had a dream 6 months, or maybe a year or so ago, where a stalker came into the house. I don’t think I was myself in the dream, but I came out of my bedroom down the hall, and I just saw the dark silhouette of someone facing away from me, sitting calmly on our couch. I think I woke up almost instantly because the feeling was so horrific. I felt vulnerable, violated. Powerless. Like I had no control over my own space. Though the figure never turned around, I could feel a smugness, an unsettling confidence from him. It was a unique and very specific visceral feeling that I haven’t felt in my own life, or even when I have imagined stalker situations before.
Somehow, that same feeling is coming up looking at this. Violating. That lack of control of what is mine. Taking it and using it so confidently. Psychopathy. It’s like.. . my voice, my voice is not public property, you can’t just make me say anything you want. It’s an extension of who I am, it is part of the footprint I leave in this world. You don’t get to have any part of that. It’s FUUUCCKEDD. obviously. And I realize I’m writing in the first person, unintentionally but that’s how I was feeling it.
[Putting this next part in brackets, you’ll see why in a sec]
[[I don’t even know if danny should see this. It might be at a point where he needs social media managers – and maybe he already has them – to filter and deal with this sort of thing. I’m not going to go on another celebrity rant, I’m not. But, it….fucking just leave him alone! And maybe I’m part of the problem! That’s a huge reason why I’m here, on this personal blog. Talking about my life honestly and openly is going to include talking a lot about danny and his videos and comedy, and I don’t want him to see it and feel like…he’s this character I feel no shame in obsessing over. It’s not true. I know my own intentions but I know I always do too much. Always always always. If I can find a corner to scribble it all out in, and let whoever finds it find it….I don’t know. “Just be normal” is a mantra I’ve heard and told myself my whole life. If I could flip a switch and be that way, and “forget he exists” between videos like he said he wanted, I would do it in a heartbeat. Maybe a stronger person could work this out alone, just bring notes to the therapists office. Why post this online at all, if you’re that worried about it? I don’t know. Why post anything? Too much, not enough… ]]
…I’ll leave that paragraph, even though it is redundant to things I’ve said before – but that’s exactly it. This is such a fascinating look at a trigger. I know it’s weird me suddenly pivoting to observing myself in 3rd person like a psychologist doing a case study. Trust when I say you have to have different strategies when you have a jungle juice of mental illnesses in your head.
I didn’t really notice it as I was writing, but I was put right back in that headspace I was in in…late October? The phrases I’m reaching for, the fawning anxiety. I think the non-logic logic going on is something like this – I see this transgression danny has to suffer because of his fame, it makes me incredibly upset but I have no power to change it. Having nowhere to go, the negative emotions do what they always do and pivot back on myself. Relitigating, shame spiraling. Going back to the one thing I should have control over – my own behavior.
It’s frustrating that these repeating patterns happen, despite the attempted self awareness. But there is a term I learned in my IOP called “spiraling up”. The idea is, even in healthy people, challenges come back around, toxic patterns linger. But instead of each go-round getting worse, each time it’s better. You make less mistakes, and you are always a better person than you were the time before. It’s impossible to really master a hard lesson in one go around. If you think you have, you are almost certainly suppressing rather than dealing.
But I think this instance was especially triggering for me because …when you are a public figure, I imagine there’s a part of you that gets broken off, and exists separately. For some reason I see it attached by long strings, but it’s floating far away. It’s you, or yours, at least, but there’s some anxiety that you don’t have the same control of it as you do your own self, in your own body. This AI ad feels like someone came along and cut one of the strings, and started puppetiering a part of the separate you. My instinct when I’m imagining that is, reel it back as fast as possible, lock it all down, this isn’t safe anymore.
It just hits too close to home with my own anxieties about controlling the way I’m perceived. I feel forced to have a similar separate piece, because the deeper, intuitive piece seems to say every wrong thing. My forward facing piece is already locked down completely. I manage every micro movement. And it’s still not great, I don’t have the social skills to make it broadly appealing, but it is my shield. If someone was coming in and fucking with my sheild….I think I might kill them, honestly. In Minecraft.
I know for a fact if I ran into the person that made this ad, I would [redacted]. How fucking dare you do something so vile, while desperately clinging to the lack of legal precident for what is clearly evil??? Don’t make me go Dark Willow I stg—-
Ok inner Robyn. Let’s chill. The cringe meter is getting to dubious levels. But maybe a cleansing/protection prayer in danny’s direction would be a useful distraction and fantasy of positive influence. ✨️🕯✨️
I literally cannot catch a break today I’M TRYNA BE CHILL. UNIVERSE I’M TRYNA LET GO AND YOUR PULLIN’ OUT ALL THE ACES TODAY AND WAVE’NM IN MY FACE. Well, you win universe. You got a rise out of me. I feel like boo-boo the fool again for caring when it was not at all asked for. These are the seeds I sewed.
>>robyns_ramblings 