from fomo to yolo

I’m going to the show in Chicago.

It wasn’t the tarot that convinced me, despite it being as unambiguous as such things can be ( king of wands + a hanged man who in my cards holds the string that is keeping him tied up. “I get this energy of back and forth, back and forth, you almost let go and get untangled, but then you freak out and pull back. You need to let go of the fear.” “Let go of the fear? Or the situation?” “…Fear. The main thing I’m getting is you tie yourself up with all these self imposed limitations, you tell yourself all the reasons you can’t do this or that. King of wands upright is someone who is passionate, confident, loving, unashamed.”)

It wasn’t everyone in my life saying “why wouldn’t you go? Makes sense to me.”

It was waking up this morning to see the war with Iran has begun, and openAI signed a contract with the department of war.

———–

I also neurotically sought validation for the second, crazier thought — from Laura, from my dad, from my tarot class friend. Would it not be terrible and weird to attempt to say hi after the show? All of them said of course, what could it hurt?

…

Is risking creating that awkward encounter selfish? And is that suddenly ok, now that the existential dread has reached a certain threshold?

It’s the moral rigidity again. The inability for my brain to really feel the difference between potentially being an annoyance and deeply wronging someone. If done knowingly, it all gets tagged with the label of “selfish”, which is an unforgivable sin. How can you knowingly potentially make someone uncomfortable, for your own gain?

Final season Chidi comes to me, spirit advisor style. “I know where you’re coming from. But sometimes, it’s just not that deep. Sometimes, you take the cupcake that has more sprinkles on purpose, and it’s ok. You aren’t going to force the situation. And might I remind you of the part you keep not focusing on…there is also a chance he would appreciate it?”

…

“If you knew with 100% certainty this was the only chance you would ever have to meet him, would you push through and do it?”

“…yes. I would”

“Then decide, and once you have, commit.”

EDIT: i posted this, went to check Danny’s subreddit without really thinking, and this is the first post I see. I GET IT GET I GET IT UNIVERSE IM GOINGGG I WONT WUSS OUT. (I realize it says “I made a fool of myself” but it’s not in the sense that they regret the encounter, just in a silly way)

I also just posted the drawings I did of this specific show on IG again, maybe 20 minutes ago….like yes, it was related to me thinking about going to see him live, but also…wtf lmao