I’ve been zombified recently. My body has 3-4 good hours in it a day, after which I am mush. I feel sluggish, foggy. If I have the audacity to move too vigorously, my scapular muscles scream at the seemingly ever increasing weight on my chest. Hormones on steroids perhaps, but for what. My family doctor standing over my open casket – “Your bloodwork looks great!”
My dad brought me icy hot patches as I was half napping in bed. I could tell he was surprised at how out of it I was. When he left the room, he left my door slightly ajar. Odd, but I was too tired to think much of it.
“Robby?”
It was my mother’s voice. I thought I was hallucinating, it sounded too much like a memory.
“Robyn!”
My nervous system jump-started at the escalating urgency in her voice. My mind caught up to what was happening. I rushed out into the hallway. The robot counselor had taken over.
“I can come back another time…” As she said it, she was already turning around, heading towards the family room where she knew we would chat.
“My beloved mother calls and I don’t come? How could I?” In the topsy turvy world of my external reality, there was no sarcasm. The person I was on the outside was overjoyed to see her. Behind my eyes, I watched the performance, the precision. I felt like a snake. You think honesty would be better?
I asked if she wanted to see my new drawings, and she said yes. I opened the page to the sketch I did in Sedona. She turned away in disinterest almost instantly. We made a bit of small talk, I rubbed her back as we stood side by side. Easy, familial affection.
The old-reliable escape route of needing the restroom worked. I closed the door to my room as quietly as possible. My body collapsed into bed, empty. The shot of adrenaline was wearing off, and I would pay the price. I texted my dad,
“I wish you would have told me she was coming 😔”
“Sorry – it caught me by suprise at the last minute.”
She is, and always has been, a force of nature. A storm he can’t control, something we both have to endure with grace. My feelings must warp to accommodate her will. You can’t stand being with your own mother for 5 minutes? Be an adult.
—
This morning I packed up my things and left. I should have been living with my roomate at the other house all along. The universe just gave me a kick in the butt, I suppose.
If I had more balls I would go to Illinois now. Take the feelings that are too big and too inconvenient, and find a place they can exist without judgement. Even if it’s in isolation. I’d finally face the reality that I cannot be accepted both authentically and unconditionally. I’m a kind of broken that asks too much of others. I’m sure I will get so lonely that I cave, dust off my costume and self abandon for a taste of connection again. For now, though, my father’s betrayal has pushed me into the phase of going within.
–
Why didn’t you scream for help, in those brief moments when you broke the surface? How could anyone know you needed saving?
You did, and no one came? Why did you waste so much oxygen on screaming, when you should have saved it for swimming? Pick a direction and just go. It’s no one’s job to save you.
Can’t you smile at the saltspray, as it catches the sunlight like clearest diamonds? Can’t you summon a sense of awe for the yawning, infinite abyss below you, pulling you into the unknown dark? Find the wonder and joy where you can, it’s all any of us can do. Everyone is drowning now-a-days. The least you can do is ditch the victim mentality.
You can’t start a new relationship, platonic or romantic, with them as your liferaft. It’s toxic asymmetry. It will never last. What do you bring to the table?
why don’t you just, why don’t you just, why don’t you just,
try harder
think clearer
just…be better.
anything but the cowards way out. lazy, ungrateful
your life isn’t yours to take
—
another driving yap session. the audio is tinny from trying to salvage it with capcut’s noise reduction… i never learn lol, but i think it’s listenable. i talk about my trip to sedona, the song “nobody’s side” from the musical chess, the confusing nostalgia and grief for abusive relationships, the warped perception of my own intelligence, and potentially misinterpreting other people’s reaction to my intelligence (thinking it’s annoyance and dismissal when it might be fear of judgement).
—
a little rant about the genre of songs within musicals of the pining bad bitch —
—
my frustration with myself around april fools day –
—
And lastly, another neon vortex / ned flames brain blast, this time imagining the “nobody’s side” song as neon’s villian origin moment. Child ned watches this play out in the cartoon, and internalizes the message. It cuts close to home because of the parallels between neon and his father.
>>robyns_ramblings 