Sometimes when I get high, if I see a picture of myself, I’ll have a more detached, 3rd person view. Last night the thought I had was “There’s some irony in the fact that she is so scared of being delusional, she’s swung enough the other way that she still comes off a little…off. There’s humility, and then there is cognitive distortion. People don’t validate her the way she wants because they assume she knows what is very obvious, which is that her work is at a professional level. The kind of feedback you give about work like that is not usually focused on reassuring the artist of their ability. Someone in the industry isn’t going to be needing/looking for people to be saying “wow, you’re so good at drawing!” – it would almost be condescending. But because she doesn’t feel like she can at all trust her own appraisal of her work, her self concept as an artist lives and dies by that feedback. A little bit of arrogance on her part might even be less off putting than this pathologically inability to see herself and her skill for what it is. Just…be normal! Please!”
To be a little fair to myself, it was instilled in me early on the idea that all only children will inevitably become Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, unless they are ever vigilant and constantly fighting it. For the rest of your life, you will need to overcompensate because your natural instinct will be self-centeredness and arrogance. More that social discomfort, speaking about myself positively makes me viscerally nauseous. I feel slimy, I give myself the ick from it big time. The idea of me saying something I made is really good and someone saying, “actually, no, you aren’t that good, you are no where near those other artists” Feels like such a nightmare to me, I think I unconsciously go way the other way so there is a 0% chance of that happening. But the thing is….people say that to artists who ARE that good. Probably every professional artist has heard that when it’s not true. Believing you have the capacity to see your own art fairly is essential, non-negotiable. You kinda have to take the risk of overvaluing yourself because it’s not going to work otherwise. If the worst that will happen is that some people will have a negative opinion of you….good news, that will happen regardless, guaranteed. It isn’t a bear attack, it’s just embarrassing. And maybe, they might be, *gasp*, wrong? Maybe they are being unnecessarily mean and expressing a subjective opinion as a fact? And for that you give up an entire potential career?
Hopefully that was a pep talk that someone else needed to hear. I do think my imposter syndrome is a little extreme but it’s not a contest, of course.
This is unrelated, but I am one of many victims of The Boy’s incepting their inside joke into their audience. Sneakernight – something about that video is just… off, or uncanny, to the point that it felt like an artifact from a parallel dimension to me. I really cant explain the difference in words well, but it’s not just a song that is weird and cliche of that era, but it’s…..maybe it’s because the aesthetics are there but the appeal is all off, so it’s like if aliens tried to make a late 2000s disney channel type music video. But maybe it IS a sign I’ve shifted dimensions. If so, I pray to God it’s an upgrade from the insane one I must have somehow fallen into 10 years ago. I don’t know what I did to be put in that one but listen, universe, I promise I’ll never take for granted living in a normal dimension again T_T.
>>robyns_ramblings 