Update time! Starting with a cheeky voice memo. After returning to Phoenix, I feel like I’m being pushed very assertively into a new phase of life, but also directly into the rubble of my tower moment.
As much as I rationalize the spiritual stuff, though, I have to laugh at videos like this — a vision of me un-medicated in one of RFK Jr.’s “wellness camps” @_@.
All I’ve wanted to do creatively at the moment is collage. It’s incredibly satisfying, and a complete dead end career wise. But, finding enjoyment in something is enough of a win right now.
I had fun jammin’ out to this classic while I drew the mushroom cloud —
I went to see an outdoor rooftop showing of The Goonies with some tarot friends. It was on top of a mall parking garage, and there was space behind the lined-up lawn chairs with tables and cornhole boards. About halfway through the movie I got up to wander around, just for the novelty of it. I found myself enjoying just looking – looking at the sky, the city lights, the architecture around me…it was an opprotuniy to be in public and Look at things, in the slow way I do.
As I was standing at one of the tables, two kids came and started playing hacky-sack (very quietly, which was kind of them). They were restless like me. It’s funny, as a well-behaved only child, I was the kid who was always with the grown-ups. As an adult, I disassociate while studying the woodgrain of the table at dinner. I look up at ceilings in curious wonder. I sit in the grass and kneed my fingers through the webbed matrix of shallow roots. Anytime I see dandilions, I pick one and make a wish – despite a 0% rate of efficacy, as of yet.
A tough pill to swallow about wishing comes to mind –
Miss Froggy, might I have a word?
You’s a hard one, that’s what I heard
Your daddy was a loving man
Family through and through
You your daddy’s daughter
What he had in him you got in you
You gotta dig a little deeper
For you it’s gonna be tough
You gotta dig a little deeper
You ain’t dug this far enough
Dig down deep inside yourself
You’ll find out what you need
Blue skies and sunshine
Guaranteed
Watching a movie like The Goonies, my mind forgets we are trying to close a chapter. Waves of seductive euphoria crash onto me. I can smell it, taste it – a fantasy of beloved character brought to his full potential, for generations to enjoy. I get a disquieting nausea as I try to push it away. What do you do when your own mind administers the fentynal without your consent? The trigger, innocent enough on it’s own. The result, a rush of soaring creative inspiration. And guilt.
Perhaps the lore ideas around fox szn were always meant to stay a pet project. The universe doesn’t want me to worry about selling that castle on a cloud to the highest bidder. This is a joy so profound, inspiration so personal, that it is meant to stay as my unadulterated happy place. The temptation to commercialize it has been removed entirely by the nature of the situation. Though I feel like a dumbass that my brain has bamboozled me once again, with ego-crushing route changes and fake visions, the switch-up this time at least has a certain logic to it. The story of an artist torn about artistic purity will, appropriately, remain pure.
>>robyns_ramblings 