REFERENCES:
screaming bag —
abroad in japan (chris broad)—
(This is not something I directly reference in the audio, but it’s part of why I love Chris so much. Bare in mind this was in October 2024 — Chris for sure has Beast-hating hipster cred, at least as far as large CCs go.)
daiso haul—
drew videos— the nathan baylet video is 2 years old?? Uueehhh huh? Wh- escuseme?
- TW: SUICIDAL IDEATION
For this other audio, I really need to set up the context and clarify the intended purpose. When it comes to suicidality, for me at least, there are many things I find it impossible to say when there is someone sitting across from me. It doesn’t feel safe, or worthwhile. I know that what I mean is not what will be heard. And so, those inner demons go unchecked, reverburating all the feelings of terror and worthlessness. They’ve weaponized my shame to keep me silent. Weaponized my intelligence to spin up convincing sounding nihilism. And the thing is….they aren’t wrong, really. At least the being misunderstood part. You have to treat and react to a person expressing active suicidal ideation in a certain way, for safety. It’s just also a way that closes off vulnerability, particularly in c-ptsd, I think.
This, then, is a fly on the wall perspective of those demonic whisperings. It’s my voice, but a version of me twisted and torn with suffering. I still feel what she is saying. I don’t despute it. But I, as I truly am, am the annoying person she talks about that considers needing to live a priori.
There are too long pauses, and some nasty wet sniffles, so just…you know. Strap in, if you are on board.
I mention a suicide walk in Chicago, which, you might be tempted to think is not so unusual or specifically localized. However, this is one of the biggest in the country, and is a midnight walk. It evokes the metaphore of the dawn after a dark night which is…a metaphore I happened to use quite recently, in a different context. It’s actually more towards the middle of June. I can’t even process what I feel about it, I just have to let it rest for now.
I do also want to leave off on a higher note, since that is more true to where I am at today. Let me show off one of the reasons I am still here today —
>>robyns_ramblings 